Forgetting

Husband is better(ish). He’s back at work today which I’m thankful for. I need the time alone. I was desperate for some alone time all weekend and only managed it late last night by going for a long solitary drive. On that drive I realised three things.

1. I have no close friends. There was no one I could go to for a long talk and a cry. There’s no one I trust to not gossip about me to other people.

2. I can forgive Husband for what he said. Forgetting is going to be extremely difficult though. I’ve had those words he said to me on constant replay inside my head for a week.

3. I don’t know how to get over this.

What he said has changed our relationship. It’s changed the way I view myself. I no longer feel as loved or as wanted as I did a few weeks ago. Now I just feel insecure and frightened. I feel as though doesn’t like me very much at all. I feel like I shouldn’t be myself anymore – if I was someone else, he’d love me and care for me more.

When I got back from my drive Husband came over to where I was sitting and apologised for what he’d said last week. He thanked me for looking after him while he was sick and told me it had been well within my right to tell him to look after himself. He says he knows he hurt me and he was very sorry for that – when we were arguing last week, the words had come out wrong and he didn’t mean it the way it sounded to me. I know he’s sorry. But I hate that he had the easy job of apologising and I have the immensely difficult job of forgetting and learning to trust him again.

We will get past this because this is a marriage. It’s for life, not just a little while.

It doesn’t make it easy though.

Possibly Gastro

So as I mentioned in my last post, Husband hasn’t been too well. He almost passed out in the shower last night. He was taking an unusually long time so I walked in and found him sitting on the shower floor dry-retching with boiling hot water pouring over him but he was shivering like he was in Antarctica. So I managed to haul him out, dry him off a bit then put him to bed where he started feeling less light-headed but more cold.

Fighting back some panic (I get scared when other people are sick), I called the local GP to see if they had any available late appointments. They said they’d call back. So I called Health Direct who were wonderful. They calmed me down and asked a bunch of questions and told me how to control Husband’s temperature (39.8) and how to help him feel a bit more comfortable. As soon as I hung up from them, the GP called with a 7:10 appointment time. It was already 7 o’clock so we were able to go straight over.

The GP diagnosed viral gastroenteritis and told us how to treat the symptoms and gave Husband some anti-nausea tablets. If he’s not better by Thursday then he has to go have blood and wee tests done.

I hope (desperately) it is just gastro! Husband doesn’t get sick much (apart from the odd cold) so when he does, I worry. A lot. It’s probably because of the cancer he had years ago – if anything isn’t completely normal with Husband, I freak the fuck out (although I always hide it – no point freaking Husband out as well.)

Getting through a cancer diagnosis, operation and treatment were a nightmare and it’s always been my fear that it’ll come back in some way, shape or form. The local GP clinic originally misdiagnosed Husband so the cancer wasn’t found as soon as it should’ve been (I had to march him into my own GP in Perth to get the correct diagnosis) so I don’t trust them. They aren’t thorough and can’t be bothered to diagnose anything more complicated than flu/gastro/virus.

I haven’t slept much these past few days – I’m still very hurt after what Husband said to me on Sunday and as I said, I’m also very scared for Husband and his health. I’m exhausted and drained and want everything back to normal as soon as possible.

Here’s hoping that by the weekend Husband is back to normal and my fears that cancer is back are unfounded!

Yesterday

The weekend was exhausting. In so many ways. On Saturday we continued with the renovations of our house. Saturday night was spent with BIL and the parents-in-law talking through legalities on this situation (which is still on-going and turning nastier by the day.) Then on Sunday, Husband and I had an argument. It wasn’t a loud shouty one – it was a very long drawn-out marathon of an argument. But he said some really hurtful things. I cried a lot. And I was (still am) extremely angry with him.

(Please don’t think Husband is a horrible man. He’s not a bad person – arguments happen, things get said and he is very sorry for saying hurtful things.)

I didn’t sleep much last night and I have a headache. Husband has woken up with gastro which is just fucking awesome. He says he’s dying. I’m ferrying glasses of water to and from his bedside while he stumbles to and from the loo to vomit.

I really just want to be alone today to cry and lick my wounds in peace and mentally try to move past yesterdays horribleness. But no, I’m nursing Husband back to health (sort of – thankfully he’s sleeping right now) and waiting for his germs to pass to me so I can spend some time later this week hugging a toilet bowl. (And I can guarantee that he’ll be at work when I do so there will be no one to ferry glasses of water to my bedside. Wonderful.)

I don’t really feel like sharing what the argument was about right now, so forgive me for not going into details. While I don’t want to talk about the nitty-gritty of yesterday, it feels like a relief to share the reality of marriage here, because I never tell anyone I know in real life about the difficulties Husband and I occasionally go through. It feels like I’d somehow be betraying Husband to do that. But this blog feels like my safe spot, it’s my place where I can be myself, share as much or as little as I like and remain a little bit anonymous.

Baby Update – August

As many of my Twitter friends will already be aware, I received my initial pre-conception appointment letter from King Edward Memorial Hospital this week. The appointment is scheduled for April 2013. (If you need to know why I need a pre-conception appointment, read this post.)

Needless to say that I was a little bit heartbroken. Husband was too. We’d made the decision that we wanted to have children earlier this year, so the pre-conception appointment will be 16 months after that decision. That is a bloody long wait before we can even begin to start trying to fall pregnant.

When I announced my disappointment on Twitter, a few unhelpful people told me it was my own stupid fault for not having private health insurance. Thing is, I do have private health insurance, it just doesn’t cover obstetrics or maternity as I was happy to give birth in a public hospital with a midwife in attendance. It didn’t even occur to me that I’d have pregnancy problems before I even got pregnant and that insurance covering obstetrics would’ve meant a shorter waiting period in exchange for a wad of cash.

So yeah, stupid me for not thinking that I’d have any problems going through the public health system. (Also stupid was the person who DM’ed me and said that a naturapath specialising in fertility could actually fix my uterus and make it change shape. That person received a big fat “block user”.)

However, I received an overwhelming amount of support from many tweeps – I can’t thank you guys enough – it made a very difficult situation easier to cope with. Some of these people have suggested I chat to my GP and talk about seeing an obstetrician or fertility specialist and paying my own way rather than going through the public health system.

I’m clinging to this little beacon of light and hope right now – I’m praying (despite not being a religious person in any way, shape or form!) that my GP will be able to help and point me in the right direction, even if it does leave us out of pocket. So I’ll be making an appointment with my GP in the coming weeks.

Since I got the news last week, I’ve felt very blue and very confused. Part of me is scared that even if I pay extra to see an obstetrician sooner, they won’t be able to fit me in or will refuse to see me. I also worry that I’ll get my hopes up about this appointment in April but will be told that I can’t have children. It may sound selfish and stupid, but a big part of me wants to start trying to get pregnant now, without a doctors input, and just live with whatever happy or sad consequences arise.

I just want a baby already.