Husband is better(ish). He’s back at work today which I’m thankful for. I need the time alone. I was desperate for some alone time all weekend and only managed it late last night by going for a long solitary drive. On that drive I realised three things.
1. I have no close friends. There was no one I could go to for a long talk and a cry. There’s no one I trust to not gossip about me to other people.
2. I can forgive Husband for what he said. Forgetting is going to be extremely difficult though. I’ve had those words he said to me on constant replay inside my head for a week.
3. I don’t know how to get over this.
What he said has changed our relationship. It’s changed the way I view myself. I no longer feel as loved or as wanted as I did a few weeks ago. Now I just feel insecure and frightened. I feel as though doesn’t like me very much at all. I feel like I shouldn’t be myself anymore – if I was someone else, he’d love me and care for me more.
When I got back from my drive Husband came over to where I was sitting and apologised for what he’d said last week. He thanked me for looking after him while he was sick and told me it had been well within my right to tell him to look after himself. He says he knows he hurt me and he was very sorry for that – when we were arguing last week, the words had come out wrong and he didn’t mean it the way it sounded to me. I know he’s sorry. But I hate that he had the easy job of apologising and I have the immensely difficult job of forgetting and learning to trust him again.
We will get past this because this is a marriage. It’s for life, not just a little while.
It doesn’t make it easy though.